RANDOM THOUGHTS: PART 3

PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS....

Wouldn't it be funny if a tattooed man and a tattooed woman had a baby and the baby has some mixed form of their tattoos on its body?

I have way too much time to think up these things.

BATTLE OF THE BIG-BUDGET SUMMER SEQUELS BEGINS TODAY!

Unless you’ve been in a coma or live in a media/ad-free environment, you surely know this summer will see the release of more sequels than any in the history of the universe. On top of that, they’re mostly parts of big-budget franchises. Spring gave us a small percentage of them with Are We Done Yet? and The Hills Have Eyes 2, neither of which made much of a dent at the box office. But today sees the release of Spider-Man 3, which is rumored to have the most excessive budget in film history (an alleged $237 million plus whatever the inescapable advertising costs add up to) so the race is on. From here, the next few months are loaded with over-the-top, big-budget studio productions. Here’s a breakdown of release dates:

May 4 – Spider-Man 3
May 11 – 28 Weeks Later
May 18 – Shrek the Third
May 25 – Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
June 8 – Hostel: Part II and Ocean’s 13
June 15 – Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
June 22 – Evan Almighty
June 27 – Live Free or Die Hard
July 13 – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
August 3 – The Bourne Ultimatum
August 8 – Daddy Day Camp
August 10 – Rush Hour 3

There is no doubt moviegoers will be shelling out huge cash on overpriced popcorn and kegs of soda nearly every week this summer if they only hit sequels.

You may notice the gap at the end of July. This is to make room for one of the few highly publicized original movies getting released, The Simpsons Movie. The other big non-sequel release is Transformers, which carries the oh-so-patriotic July 4 release date.

Now, to tackle the opinions I have about all of these sequels.

I think the big winner of this profit war will be Pirates. The main reason is because it is the conclusion to the story they introduced in the second film (the hammock film; the same technique used to lure people to a third Matrix movie) and people want to see how it concludes and what wacky antics Captain Jack will be up to. Spider-Man 3 is just a continuation of a saga with no real cliffhanger left over from the last one to bring people back, but it will still rule its opening weekend but I don’t think it’ll outdo Pirates. Naturally, Shrek the Third will do tremendous business and may even be funny. Harry Potter fans will be rampant to see film #5 because, like Pirates, it has adult and child appeal. I guess Shrek does too.

As far as a franchise actually ending, The Bourne Ultimatum is allegedly the last of that series. But who knows – it could pull a Die Hard and make another sequel in twelve years. That always bugs me. Drudging up another sequel to a franchise which needs no further exploration is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but I’ll still go see John McClane in action again because I enjoy Bruce Willis (despite his unconditional support of anything the Bush administration does). Plus, Kevin Smith has a cameo and I’m a big slut for him.

Rush Hour 3 is just unnecessary due to the heavy annoyance factor of the first two and because it’s been six years since the last one. I’m sure they’ll be another Hostel sequel even if this one does no business, most likely due to the filmmakers having nothing else to do and their desire to take advantage of the trend of extreme gore which is sweeping the “horror” movies of late.

I also don’t like it when sequels are reduced in rating to bring in “family” element into it. Evan Almighty is guilty of this. It’s a big old family movie with lots of animals doing things humans do so it’ll rake in the dough. 28 Weeks Later and Daddy Day Camp could go either way since neither of the films carry over cast members from the fist one. I imagine Ocean’s 13 will be another celebrity-plagued affair full of famous faces and hollow in plot and good content like the last one, but a moneymaker none the less.

The movie which has me most baffled is the new Fantastic Four film which is advertised solely with the image of the Silver Surfer as of this post. The funny thing is that in the teaser for the film, you can’t tell whether this character is a hero or villain. It’s just a minute long chase with heavy CGI and no explanation. Even if I was interesting in seeing this one, I wouldn’t know what the hell to expect from it.

Otherwise, it’s gonna be typical summer fare every week with date movies and kids movies and remakes. In June, Pixar has a new movie coming out (just a year after the highly entertaining Cars) called Ratatouille, which should do some business for Disney as well, so long as people can pronounce the title when they buy their ticket. Sadly, the watered-down, kid-friendly Nancy Drew movie is coming out. Warner Brothers could have made something really cool out of that series but they opted to make it like a Lindsay Lohan jailbait-era movie or an even worse Lizzie McGuire. In July, we can look forward to an unnecessary remake of the musical Hairspray with the interesting lineup of John Travolta, Queen Latifa, Michelle Pfeiffer and Christopher Walken. July will also give us I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, a comedy starring supposed funny men Adam Sandler and Kevin James as straight firefighters who get married to benefit from a pension plan. The movie also features Jessica Biel as a lawyer, which is funnier to me than anything the movie itself could throw my way.

Overall, it should be a fun summer to go to the movies. At least there are some good flicks to go out and see, which cannot be said of most summers. I don’t really care who makes or loses the most money. I just wanna be entertained.

Until next time, I’m Chris Aballo and I’ll see you in line at the concession stand at the movies.

That’s not trademarked, is it?

DUAL HEADLINE: WE'RE TOO OBSESSED WITH CELEBRITY IN THIS COUNTRY and JIMMY KIMMEL IS AWESOME

This has been posted all around the internet and I like it so it's going on my page too. Jimmy Kimmel semi-recently hosted Larry King Live where the topics were the paparazzi and celebrity stalking. Rather than go into lots of detail about facts you'll pick up from watching the video, I'll just suggest you click on the "Play" button.

P.S. Jimmy Kimmel is awesome.

ANNOYING PEOPLE IN MUSIC

I don't know if the band Fall Out Boy can get anymore annoying. Not only does their music suck, but I hate the way they and other bands get attention.

Following a promotional idea of the also annoyingly-named All-American Rejects who, last Spring, gave away an exclusive live DVD if you wasted a certain amount of money at American Eagle clothing stores. Now, if you buy the new FOB CD and go to an Aeropostale clothing store, you get a "limited edition exclusive band T-shirt." Wow. That rocks.

Okay, granted that's small, but I think the annoyingness of bass player Pete Wentz is enough to make one sickened by the band. After sending a girl cell phone pics of his piece (I guess he thought she would, naturally, keep them to herself), the band got even more "accidental" promotion. Also, in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, the band was featured on the cover and Pete, being a whore, posed shirtless (as if he had something to show off). All this might be more tolerable if the band didn't suck so much.

In unrelated news, one of the most anticipated reunion tours of the summer came to a screeching halt when it became public that a makeshift Van Halen was canceling its reunion plans. At the end of last year, there was loads of fuss in the music community about there being “big Van Halen news in 2007.” To some, this was the release of the newest official Van Halen guitar (a replica of the red one with black and white stripes from when the band used to release albums). For many, it was the band getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. For many more, the biggest announcement had to be the attempt of another reunion with David Lee Roth for a summer tour.

Now, I know I’ll take many verbal lashings from the guitar playing community, among others, but I was beyond neutral when I heard about this. At this time, they're all aged has-beens. The last Van Halen album of original material was released in 1998 and as much as some fans bitched about how they didn’t like Sammy Hagar in the band, this collaboration with ex-Extreme singer Gary Cherone was really the pits. In the twenty-two years since Roth left the band, he has released all of six solo albums and appeared on a bluegrass tribute to Van Halen, singing songs he originally sung but in a bluegrass format. Sad. This doesn’t sound like a real workhorse of a band as much as middle-aged “rock stars” looking to cash in on fans who have been waiting over twenty years to see this lineup on stage again. There are two flaws with this: 1) the guys in the band have aged and are no longer as spry as they were in the 80’s so the show won't be as exciting as some may remember, and 2) it’s not even a full reunion because bass player Michael Anthony was fired from the band a while back. Eddie’s son, Wolfgang (eesh), would be handling bass duties. Now, what I’ve heard of the Van Halens leads me to believe they’re not the easiest pair to get along with and now there will be another one in the mix. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Well, it doesn’t matter now as the tour was canceled shortly after it was announced. Eddie is still an alcoholic and David is still whatever he is so rehearsals didn’t even work out. Even the “greatest hits” compilation from the Roth era was scrapped since there was no tour to promote it. Rats. I think the band should give up trying to reunite with Roth and Hagar since they’ve done it twice with the former and once with the latter and it has never lasted beyond a few short months and a few forgettable new songs recorded in an attempt to sell more copies of two separate "hits" compilations already on the market. It’s time for the band that was Van Halen to call it quits for good.

Blasphemy, I know.

UGLY BETTY?

I don't know if anyone has seen the ads for this show, but it looks really awful. Some of you may remember the plot of the dreaded She's All That, a girl who wears glasses and her hair in a ponytail and we all know how awful that looks to very high school jock asshole and frat mattress. Well, this show is called Ugly Betty because the girl wears glasses and has unexciting hair and braces. I find it hilarious how if a girl or woman doesn't look like one of the skanks on The OC or Desperate Housewives (or as I call it: Sex in the Suburbs), she is called ugly and gets a show named for that. What a strange culture we have.

I don't need to see this show to know it is going to be a heart-warming program about a girl who is unattractive on the surface but is a really good person, AKA "beautiful on the inside" as everyone discovers.

Ridiculous.

BARBRA STREISAND - GREEDY WHORE

As anyone who knows me already knows, I buy many concert tickets. As a result, I get emails from Ticketmaster for certain special promotions for ticket presales. I received one a few weeks ago which almost literally knocked me out of my seat.

Barbra Streisand is touring again, and by touring I mean playing fourteen shows in about six weeks. I was one of the chosen few to order tickets before the general public to see her in Los Angeles. Remembering all the late night talk show jokes back in about 1994 (the last time she toured) regarding how expensive her concert tickets were then, I just had to look at the prices now.

$754!! Granted, that is the cost of the most expensive seat but the nosebleeds are $104. We've all been to concerts or sporting events where we've had seats so far, it looked as though we were watching from the Goodyear blimp. That being said, I would NEVER pay a hundred dollars to sit that far away. You really need to have some nerve to be willing to charge people so much for one damn ticket. I know the venue sets the price to a certain degree but looking at all the shows, there doesn't seem to be much of a variable.

Just in case there are any of you who are interested in purchasing tickets but are afraid of the quality of your seat, fear not! Ticketmaster is offering customers a "Hot Seat Package." This includes a "premium" seat, tour program, collectible laminate, and an exclusive gift (keychain maybe?) all for $1800 or so per ticket. I'm not making this up. I don't think I could! Look here for details. What is even worse about this package is if the really good tickets are being sold at an even more inflated price, you could end up paying $754 to see Babs from the ass end of The Garden.

This is a rip off of mass proportions but I'm sure thousands of idiots have already paid millions of collective dollars to see her. I don't know whether or not the shows are sold out but they probably will be by October, when she starts the tour. I'm not even sure how to wrap up a blog like this because it's so ridiculous to me. I wouldn't dream of putting out so much money to see someone nor would I want to be so out of touch with what music means to people that I would milk them for every dollar I could. In my opinion (and that's all this little web space is), if you're charging someone $700 to see you, you're not performing for the fans. You're just performing to line your own pockets.

THE BEST AND WORST OF 2005

Okay, so there will be no big apology explaining why I haven’t done a blog since August. I’ve been busy.

I know we’re a quarter of the way through the year but now that I’m settled into my new habitat, I can catch up on my bitching. These are the things I loved and hated about 2005 listed in no particular order. Here we go. We’ll start with the big one….

CDs

THE BEST

Oasis – Don’t Believe The Truth: I was so anxious waiting for this album to be released. I drove my sister crazy playing “Lyla” on the band’s website every day since March until the album’s release on May 31….then I played the whole thing all day. I love this album! There isn’t a song on there I skip by and even though I’m an enormous Oasis fan and really love every album, I can only say the same about (What’s The Story) Morning Glory?. This really is a killer album which everyone should own, whether or not you’re a fan of theirs. It’s too bad the public didn’t have the same reaction I did. Although the band had a sold-out arena tour (which included Madison Square Garden), the album peaked at #12 on the Billboard chart. However, that is the highest charting position for any album of theirs in its first week of release. I played this album many nights at the store following closing and although a few people asked me who it was, they seemed put off when I told them it was Oasis and suggested they buy it. Weird people. Instead, everyone rushed out to buy Coldplay’s X&Y, which was mediocre and was a step back from the incredible A Rush Of Blood To The Head (but I’ll spare you my review of that since it doesn’t fall into “Best” or “Worst”). Bottom line: go out and buy this album. GO!

Crash Kelly – Penny Pills: I bought this album on the strength that they did a cover of Cheap Trick’s should-be-an-arena-anthem “ELO Kiddies” and the fact the label described the band as a mix of Alice Cooper and T. Rex. This CD rocks! This is the closest you will get to “classic rock”-style rock these days (they’re Canadian but I’ll overlook that….hehehe). Sean Kelly, the front man, sounds a hell of a lot like Steven Pearcy from Ratt minus the smug attitude and is also a cool-ass guy. I saw this band at The Saint in Asbury Park in July opening for the Backyard Babies and they are amazing live. Sean actually came up to me after the show and thanked me for coming out and singing along (I was the only one singing along as far as I could see). Cool guys, great musicians, great album. Their follow-up is due out this Spring.

Audioslave – Out of Exile: Let me start this one off by saying I don’t like Chris Cornell. He annoys me in the same way Jewel does whereby she will introduce songs with the sappy “I wrote this one while I was living in my car” and he says “I wrote this one day while I was thinking about killing myself.” I hate that. Let me also say I’m not at all into Soundgarden or Rage Against The Machine. Both are equally intolerable, yet this album is surprisingly very, very good. I’ve never been too keen on their first album but my girlfriend likes it so I decided to check this new one out. Dare I say it’s even Led Zeppelin-like at points. It’s kind of a shame Audioslave gets knocked in the press and by fans of their former bands for the fact they as heavy as them. Plus, a lot of magazines like to compare them to the overrated Velvet Revolver since both bands are made up of once-popular bands and are now “super groups.” This is a very cool album and I’m sorry I didn’t see the band live this past Fall. I will be seeing them the next time they come around.

Def Leppard – Rock of Ages: The Definitive Collection: Finally, a two-disc career-spanning collection from one of the greatest bands ever! Basically an expanded version of the 1994 hits compilation Vault, this set is a near-perfect crash course for newcomers and a definite staple in car stereos for long-time fans like me. The new track, a cover of Badfinger’s “No Matter What,” is kick-ass as well. The band released a slightly varied version of this collection in the rest of the world which included a cover of “Waterloo Sunset,” which was originally done by The Kinks. This was already my favorite Kinks song and I was sorry to see it replaced on the US version (since it’s incredible) but luckily both tracks will be featured on the band’s covers album Yeah!, which will be released on May 23. If you’re not already one of the one million plus who bought this collection, join in already!

The Hellacopters – Rock & Roll Is Dead: This album was released in the US in February 2006 but it came out in Europe in 2005 so it makes the cut. The return of the Swedish titans of garage rock! An awesome collection of songs here. If you’re into 1960’s pre-punk and 1950’s rock and roll with the catchiness of 1970’s arena rock, this is a classic rock wet dream. In fact, a previous record label described them as Def Leppard meets the Supersuckers (I personally think they’re more like the Stooges meet the Stones). This band gets better every time. I saw them live last week for the first time in four years and they have not lost an ounce of talent or stamina. This band flat out rocks so do yourself a favor and pick up anything of theirs you can find.

Bruce Dickinson – Balls To Picasso, Skunkworks, Accident Of Birth, The Chemical Wedding: Finally, the Iron Maiden frontman’s solo releases get reissued with all the b-sides and single tracks I’ve shelled out hundreds to acquire on eBay. Oh, hell, at least I have them all on one disc now. To make these packages even sweeter, they’re all on two-disc sets with the original album on the first disc and all the bonus material on a second disc. This is the exact way I want to reissue albums one day (in order to preserve the impact of the original album). Bottom line: they were all great to begin with but are now remastered with all the songs completists like me have been searching for, making them essential. I’m sorry to say there was no US release for Tattooed Millionaire, which Sony reissued in 2001 with a handful of bonus tracks. The UK has the complete version to go in line with the others so pay the extra ten bucks or so to get it imported. The live discs are also in a box set, totaling three for a very reasonable $20 or so. Great stuff!

THE WORST

Bon Jovi – Have A Nice Day: I believe the last great (and best) Bon Jovi album was 1994’s These Days. It was personal, it was painful, it was upbeat. Crush and Bounce were attempts to fit in with the Backstreet Boys and all other current pop music. This one is different in that it sounds like a band imitating Bon Jovi with their typical riffs and “catchy” choruses. I bought it the day it came out and sold it in no time. It’s all disposable standard formula rock music for soccer moms to rock out to when no one is looking. I’m not a fan of Disturbed but I was happy to see they were #1 in sales that week over Bon Jovi. I understand they’re getting older and are parents and all that good stuff but there are plenty of bands who have been around longer than them who maintain a strong new catalog to coincide with their old one. Like I said, it’s forgettable.

Kidz Bop – Volume 7 and Volume 8: These are an embarrassment even to the pop stars whose music caters to a young audience. These albums feature adult singers and musicians singing current hits with little annoying kids singing background vocals and shouting. AND THEY SELL!!!!! It makes me sad to think competent bands like Green Day and Nickelback sold their songs to these people packaged as a children’s CD. I somehow don’t see how kids can sing “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and have it carry the same message and how that is a good thing for your band for any reason other than to sell records. It’s also funny to find “Photograph” on the recently released Kidz Bop 9. This song about looking through your old high school photos and reminiscing about those times is sung by kids who aren’t even out of elementary school. It’s even funnier if the same parents who buy these CDs buy their kids Nickelback’s All The Right Reasons as a result. I think these kids need to hear “Animals,” a song where a man who just got his suspended license back picks up his girlfriend who sneaks out of her house and gives him a blow job while he drives them to a secluded location in order to have sex until her father shows up and catches them. Rock on, parents! It’s easy to say it, time to say it, goodbye to Kidz Bop!

By the way, spelling “Kids” with a “z” is lame.

Finally, the final worst on the list is a group of CDs. These are the annual holiday releases by pop stars. During the last two holiday seasons, we got to see and hear the new releases from Ashlee Simpson, Ryan Cabrera, and Hilary Duff and I’m sure it will stay a trend. Yippee. Once again, MTV reigns supreme over the young minds in 21^st century America. The most laughable of last year’s was the Hilary Duff collection Most Wanted. For those who haven’t been watching the Disney Channel, Hilary Duff has had all of three albums released, one of which was a Christmas CD. This means she warrants a greatest hits collection. What a joke. It’s okay, though. It’s good Kidz Bop fodder after all.

TELEVISION

THE BEST

South Park – Season 9 (Wed, 10pm, Comedy Central): I have watched this show from the start and I love how it’s more creative and more popular than ever. This season took on topics like Scientology, living wills, and American Idol. It’s so damn funny. I love how they can stay current every week. For those who don’t know, the show begins an episode’s production on Thursdays, the night after the previous week’s effort airs. The episode is worked on all the way up until the following Tuesday or Wednesday, the night it airs. This gives its writers a chance to attack and explore all the current news and trends and they do it with no exceptions. Sadly, the show will always be compared with The Simpsons, as they were both the first cartoons to break ground in many ways. The disadvantage The Simpsons has is it takes nine months to create one episode. South Park is done in a week. Amazing.

Boston Legal – Season 1 and 2 (Tue, 10pm, ABC): I got into this show because my sister watched it and it is addicting. The additions of Candice Bergen and Betty White have made the already appealing cast even more hysterical. The show is very funny while exploring very serious sides of the law, business, and everyday human interaction. I really love how they explore current topics like religious freedom and the war in Iraq with the frame of a legal conflict. This show is so multidimensional and intriguing. I’ve seen every episode except for about seven from the middle of the first season and they have all been winners. Unfortunately, this show will likely be forever known as the show bumped and outdone by Grey’s Anatomy and though lagging behind that show’s immediate DVD release, we can all look forward to Season One of Boston Legal on DVD May 23. Long live Denny Crane!

Mind of Mencia (Wed, 10pm, Comedy Central): He makes fun of everything and it’s great. In that sense, he’s kinda like me! It’s pretty much a good Chappelle’s Show. Watch it.

THE WORST

Laguna Beach: If you’ve seen it, you know how horrible it is. Why is this culture so fascinated by rich people?

Chaotic: Newlyweds starring Britney Spears and the man she truly deserves, Kevin Federline. They’re married and they have sex. We get it. Why anyone would be interested in seeing the king and queen of trailer trash royalty make out on the street is beyond me. And they had a child. Scary.

American Idol: This show has the intensity and same basic purpose as a high school election. It’s a big popularity contest for the one who appeals the most to the audience. With all the money they pump into this show and its advertising, anyone who goes on it can get a record deal, talented or not and winner or not. Look at William Hung and Clay Aiken. What you have is an hour-long commercial which people tune into three times a week.

Chappelle’s Show: I don’t see why this show is so funny. Here’s a sad fact: the only reason he (and Carlos Mencia, to a degree) can get away with making fun of whites and every other ethnic group is because he’s black. If it were a white guy in the same situation making fun of blacks, the show would be protested like crazy and taken off the air with many an apology. It’s just not funny. The fact that Dave Chappelle got the Kurt Cobain syndrome of “I can’t take the popularity” doesn’t make him impressive either. The last annoying effect of that show is the quote “I’m Rick James, bitch.” The next person I hear say that is getting kicked in the fucking nads.

Dancing with the Stars: First of all, it should be called Dancing with the Has-Beens or Dancing with the Nobodys because that is all they have on those teams. You won’t see George Clooney or Jessica Alba on this show. Who really cared about these people before they went on this damn show? But, like American Idol, it will make you a star no matter what. Yes, Drew Lachey won, but dancing is not a qualification for being a co-host of the Miss USA pageant….but popularity is. That’s why he is doing it. Now all the idiots who watch that show will tune into the equally mindless beauty pageant.

Besides, do you really wanna see Master P try to ballroom dance?

MOVIES

THE BEST

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: I loved this movie. I saw it at an IMAX theater twice and on a plane and it still has the same effect on me. I think it couldn’t have been done any better. I was hesitant about seeing it after a few friends told me it wasn’t all they expected plus the fact it was a remake (Tim Burton butchering Planet of the Apes gave me reason for hesitation), but the teaming of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton is a perfect match when it comes to the obscure. I read this book in fourth grade (or heard it, it was read aloud to us) and then watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and it never sat well with me because of the differences between the book and the movie. This version is more faithful to the book and is the version I prefer. I get annoyed at how much people favor the 1971 version and herald it as a classic and the best telling of the story but it has only come to be that over time. That version didn’t make much money at all when it was released in theaters originally. It was more of a cult classic which grew into a family classic after about twenty years. Charlie is far more dark and not as upbeat as Willy but I think the message gets across in a better way. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s worth at least the $4 rental fee if you aren’t into buying it, but it’s well worth the $25 for the deluxe edition. There’s a basic DVD version for about $15 but if you like special features like I do, that one doesn’t have any.

The Polar Express: Yes, this movie was released in November 2004 BUT it was re-released in 3D in IMAX theaters in November 2005. I have to say this is the way to see this movie. For a film as visually cool as this one, feeling like you were in the middle of it was stunning. I had seen this one in the theater in its first run but had to see it in 3D and especially at the IMAX. My girlfriend, Rikki, hadn’t seen it yet so I took her and I fear it will be forever ruined by having to watch it only on DVD on a small one dimensional TV. Needless to say, she loved it too. I won’t review the movie itself, since it appears most have seen it, but the experience is one I’m very glad to have had. Though some didn’t understand why I was bent on paying $14 to see a movie which I could just buy on DVD for the same amount (hi, Michelle), I view it as an experience I’ll never have again and money well spent.

Sin City: This is the most visually exciting movie I’ve ever seen! The whole feel of the movie is very dark and dirty and that gives it charm. It’s not like the average ensemble cast big screen embarrassment. Everyone has their place in the story overall and it works extremely well. I have to say it’s definitely a guy flick; I don’t know any women who liked it. A few groups of people walked out of the theater the first time I saw it, which amused me. It’s an R-rated movie called Sin City. What the hell do you expect? Also, some may have reservations about Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke beating things to a bloody mess but it’s no more brutal than The Passion of the Christ, which people flocked to like they were seeing the actual crucifixion happen! In the same respect, you know what you’re getting from this movie - violence. Lots of it!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: These movies get better every time. Another IMAX venture well worth the expense. I admit I could have done without the prom theatrics but it is a movie involving teens in school so it was kind of necessary. Wizards have to lose their virginity like everyone else. It made gobs of money so chances are you’ve seen it and you know why it made the “Best” list.

THE WORST

Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith: I refuse to see this movie but I have no doubt it’s as bad as no one thinks it is. The original three movies were very cool but the amount of lame Episode I and Episode II had was enough for me to not even bother with this one. Besides, what’s there to tell? We know Anakin becomes Darth Vader and he’s Luke’s father. I’m not sitting through three hours of special effects to find out what I already know. Fuck Star Wars.

The Amityville Horror: I know I already bitched about remakes as a whole in my last blog but this one is just too stupid to exist. I thought it would be cool and as much as I get made fun of for liking the original, I went to see this one because I was intrigued by it. Boy, was I wrong. After about an hour, I was ready to walk out. My friend, Chris, encouraged me to stay, seeing how we already paid our $9 to get in so we might as well be punished for it. It was lame. Avoid it.

DVDs

THE BEST

Office Space – Special Edition with Flair!: I scooped this one up on DVD when I first saw it was released way back when DVDs began to sell at reasonable prices. It had no features and that was okay because it’s an essential, especially in widescreen. Lo and behold, Fox picks up on the fact that suckers like me will buy it over again so they release a remastered version with special features. Deleted scenes, a Mike Judge interview, and Milton. What else could you ask for?

Beavis and Butt-head – The Mike Judge Collection, Volume 1: It’s about time these got a polished release! Those of us with low-brow humor have been waiting for this. I am one of the lucky few to have gotten my hands on The History of Beavis and Butt-head, the recalled original DVD release of the best of the show. This has a better selection of episodes and director’s cut versions of them. Volume 2 is due out June 6.

THE WORST

The worst has one catergory in this case but two characteristics: reissued DVDs with one unseen special feature and unrated DVDs. These are out of control. So many movies which I have on DVD already which had special features to begin with now get re-released with one new bonus. This bothers me because I’m a big movie fan and I’m really interested to see these little tidbits so I get annoyed that I need to buy a new version. Office Space was different. That was a fully-loaded DVD. I’m talking about ones with minor changes like features and director’s cut or extended edition DVDs with an extra two minutes. Stephen King had a funny article about this in his column in Entertainment Weekly. He also picked on the useless audio commentary some DVDs have, like pointing out fun facts like “there’s the 20^th Century Fox logo.” Unrated DVDs are stupid too. They basically include one extra pointless deleted scene edited back into the movie, which make it just a touch more “naughty” and “never before seen.” I love Team America: World Police and had seen it in the theater three times. I expected the unrated DVD to have all sorts of deleted scenes edited back in. Hell, I saw what they put in so I could only imagine what they left out! It was just an extended sex scene. The running times on the rated and unrated DVDs vary by one minute and it’s not even that big of an extension. There are occasions when unrated means they actually put something back into the movie which could have given it an R-rating. These are typically PG-13 movies likes The Dukes of Hazzard, which had nudity in the added scenes. It was funny how the unrated version was advertised, though. An orange sticker on the shrinkwrap which states it has nudity. Naturally, people take it as Jessica Simpson being naked since she is the only female advertised in the movie. Guess what? She’s never nude. Some random girls are. I guess that must have not done them any good because the DVD was released on December 6 with a list price of $29.97. That price dropped to $19.97 as of February 14 so it looks like no one cared to buy it either way.

PRODUCTS

THE BEST

iPods: These are so cool. I don’t need to describe them to you. You’re clearly intelligent people because you’re reading my blog but I also have no doubt you’ve seen at least one of the billions of commercials aired on TV during 2005. These are only getting better and I’m holding out for a 60GB. I think it’s great to be able to carry all of your music in a tiny object. I still stand by the opinion that CDs will never go away entirely but may eventually be replaced by another tangible product, but digital music is a fantastic development and the iPod is the best way to carry it with you anywhere.

THE WORST

Easy Off BAM! Surface Cleaner: Not too long ago, Emeril stole our hearts by showing us how to “kick it up a notch” in the kitchen. Now, his lingo has invaded our cleaning products. Where will it end?

Celebrity perfumes: Pop stars stink, and not just for reasons you’d think I’d name. They must. They all have perfumes. Britney Spears, Celine Dion, Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, and Shania Twain all have fragrances with their name on them. It doesn’t matter whether or not it smells good; it’s who wears it (supposedly). This also explains the Paris Hilton perfume, although I hear that smells like sex.

XBOX 360: In short, it’s a $400 video game system. Who cares? Why is this thing such a big deal? At the Target I worked at in Brick, NJ, the night before its release, people started lining up at 6pm. That’s insanity. We only got twelve altogether so anyone who lined up after 9pm (which is when #12 got on line) was sent away. These people had tents, ordered Chinese food, and spent the night outside of a Target store. I opened the day they were released and the people who were getting the systems were cooperative and calm, which was lucky for us. Supposedly, fights broke out and the cops were called to other nearby stores. Some were there for themselves, some were to buy it as a holiday gift for their kids, and some were there to buy one to resell and make a cool grand. I just don’t understand why anyone would pay $400 for a video game system and wait on a line fourteen hours for the privilege. The same thing happened a week or so before Christmas when it was found out the Best Buy up the street was getting a shipment of them. But the lunacy doesn’t end there. They were selling on eBay for crazy amounts of money. I had to watch these auctions. Hell, it’s better than a game show! Seeing the money these people dished out for a video game system was unbelievable. One man brought a controller from the system into the store because it was defective and he wanted an exchange. I was the one who handled this sort of thing so I went up to speak to the man. He didn’t look like one of the illustrious twelve so I figured he didn’t buy it at a store at all. Sure enough, he didn’t. He had his Paypal receipt which showed he paid $1200 to someone on eBay for this hunk of metal. That’s insanity. Incidentally, I couldn’t do the return anyway since we were sold out of controllers. Naturally, I enjoy video games as much the next person and I’ve played this system and it’s nothing special. I know guys with kids who bought this thing for themselves. That makes no sense to me. I think it’s an overrated waste of time and money and may be the most appalling item on any of my “Worst” lists.

So there you have it - Chris’ “Best and Worst of 2005.” Before I go, let me just remind you that these are my opinions and that’s all. "RANTS" is not just a clever title. Everyone has theirs and this is mine. It’s nothing more than an indulgence. I like telling people when I like something and I like picking on things I dislike too. None of it should be taken with any degree of hostility or angst. It’s just what I think.