WHY THE BOX OFFICE IS LOSING MONEY

The Honeymooners
Bewitched
War of the Worlds
The Bad News Bears
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The Dukes of Hazzard
Guess Who
The Amityville Horror
House of Wax
The Longest Yard

So why aren't people going to the movies anymore? Well, other than the fact that you need to sit through Celine Dion driving a Chrysler, a classic rock song advertising the latest version of Coke, or those sickening Fantanas before the movie has even begun, it seems America has run out of new ideas for films. The above list is just off the top of my head but it seems that we only take old movies and TV shows and recycle them into "new" ideas. Now I know people will argue that, for instance, "Charlie and the Chocolate Facotry" is not a remake but a reinterpretation. Whatever. Plenty of people these days only know the story because of the old movie and not the book (just like "The Lord of the Rings"). I love hearing pompous assholes like George Lucas and Oliver Stone bitch about the fact that piracy is causing the movie industry to lose money. Right....and airlines have lost money because of cars and trains and buses? No, it's for the same reason the film industry has: incompetence. Entertainment Weekly has an article about why moviegoers aren't going to theaters to see movies anymore which is based on results from a poll done on their site in their latest issue (see ew.com for more). I just don't understand the thinking behind taking an old movie, which was done reasonably well in the first place, and updating and dilluting it. What do I mean by that?

DILLUTED: "The Longest Yard" was originally an R-rated film and the 2005 counterpart was a light-weight PG-13, to no doubt bring in those pubescent Nelly fans.

UPDATED: In 2005, we have been treated to reversed-race oriented versions of "The Honeymooners" and "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner" as if that makes them any better than they were to begin with. "Guess Who," along with "Hitch," showed us once again how lame white people can be when surrounded by confident black people.

To be honest, after seeing the "Amityville" remake, I vowed to not pay $9+ for a movie for a long time. It really isn't worth it to sit in a crowded theater with rude patrons eating overpriced candy while some teenagers flash their stupid cell phones as they send text messages to the friends who couldn't make it all to be treated to an over-advertised presentation of special effects featuring the all-too-forgettable theatrical presence of some of our great modern day actors: Ice Cube, Jessica Simpson, and Nelly.

I really do understand why many people bypass going to the movies and buy the DVDs when they come out. Home theaters and HDTVs are getting better by the minute and you can now sit in the privacy of your own home and watch a movie in the publicly underappreciated widescreen presentation in an atmosphere without Cadillac ads, expensive snacks, crying kids, and cell phone jockeys bothering your viewing experience. Even from an economic point of view, it costs around $9.50 to go to a movie showing after 6pm where I live ($9.75 on Fridays and Saturdays). If you buy a DVD the week it comes out, you can usually get it at Target or Best Buy for anywhere between $16 to $20, roughly the cost of two tickets. So there.

Many say special features on DVDs ruin the "magic" of movies. I disagree. You wanna know how those effects are done? Computers. There. I have just ruined every major film distributor's major summer release for you. War of the Worlds, Star Wars, Fantastic 4, and even Madagascar were done with the aid of computers. Sorry to ruin the surprise.

I really feel guilty about conserving my entertainment dollars after I hear George Lucas say how he wanted to release all six Star Wars movies on DVD together in Fall 2005, but he thought he should release the original three before piracy would ruin any chance of sales. Right....that $337 million Episode III raked in was really cut short by internet downloading. Damn pirates! One digression about Star Wars: it has never sat well with me depsite the fact Yoda is supposed to be one of the all-knowing beings in the entire universe who conveniently speaks English, he can't phrase his sentences properly. Bother me it does.

My heart also bleeds for former genius-turned-lunatic Oliver Stone who blames piracy for the poor box office performance of Alexander. Right....and who wouldn't want to see newly discovered porn star and all-around prick Colin Farrell cut the Gordian Knot for the princely (kingly?) sum of nearly $10? I will be skipping the $4 rental fee as well.

I enjoy the fact that last year, the independent juggernauts Garden State, Napolean Dynamite, and Fahrenheit 9/11 turned more of a combined profit than Alexander, Troy, and King Arthur, which were big budget, big action period pieces we were all supposed to see. It's quality over quantity, folks. Good movies will triumph eventually. Until then, we'll just have to wait out this boring theatrical period.