BATTLE OF THE BIG-BUDGET SUMMER SEQUELS BEGINS TODAY!

Unless you’ve been in a coma or live in a media/ad-free environment, you surely know this summer will see the release of more sequels than any in the history of the universe. On top of that, they’re mostly parts of big-budget franchises. Spring gave us a small percentage of them with Are We Done Yet? and The Hills Have Eyes 2, neither of which made much of a dent at the box office. But today sees the release of Spider-Man 3, which is rumored to have the most excessive budget in film history (an alleged $237 million plus whatever the inescapable advertising costs add up to) so the race is on. From here, the next few months are loaded with over-the-top, big-budget studio productions. Here’s a breakdown of release dates:

May 4 – Spider-Man 3
May 11 – 28 Weeks Later
May 18 – Shrek the Third
May 25 – Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
June 8 – Hostel: Part II and Ocean’s 13
June 15 – Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
June 22 – Evan Almighty
June 27 – Live Free or Die Hard
July 13 – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
August 3 – The Bourne Ultimatum
August 8 – Daddy Day Camp
August 10 – Rush Hour 3

There is no doubt moviegoers will be shelling out huge cash on overpriced popcorn and kegs of soda nearly every week this summer if they only hit sequels.

You may notice the gap at the end of July. This is to make room for one of the few highly publicized original movies getting released, The Simpsons Movie. The other big non-sequel release is Transformers, which carries the oh-so-patriotic July 4 release date.

Now, to tackle the opinions I have about all of these sequels.

I think the big winner of this profit war will be Pirates. The main reason is because it is the conclusion to the story they introduced in the second film (the hammock film; the same technique used to lure people to a third Matrix movie) and people want to see how it concludes and what wacky antics Captain Jack will be up to. Spider-Man 3 is just a continuation of a saga with no real cliffhanger left over from the last one to bring people back, but it will still rule its opening weekend but I don’t think it’ll outdo Pirates. Naturally, Shrek the Third will do tremendous business and may even be funny. Harry Potter fans will be rampant to see film #5 because, like Pirates, it has adult and child appeal. I guess Shrek does too.

As far as a franchise actually ending, The Bourne Ultimatum is allegedly the last of that series. But who knows – it could pull a Die Hard and make another sequel in twelve years. That always bugs me. Drudging up another sequel to a franchise which needs no further exploration is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but I’ll still go see John McClane in action again because I enjoy Bruce Willis (despite his unconditional support of anything the Bush administration does). Plus, Kevin Smith has a cameo and I’m a big slut for him.

Rush Hour 3 is just unnecessary due to the heavy annoyance factor of the first two and because it’s been six years since the last one. I’m sure they’ll be another Hostel sequel even if this one does no business, most likely due to the filmmakers having nothing else to do and their desire to take advantage of the trend of extreme gore which is sweeping the “horror” movies of late.

I also don’t like it when sequels are reduced in rating to bring in “family” element into it. Evan Almighty is guilty of this. It’s a big old family movie with lots of animals doing things humans do so it’ll rake in the dough. 28 Weeks Later and Daddy Day Camp could go either way since neither of the films carry over cast members from the fist one. I imagine Ocean’s 13 will be another celebrity-plagued affair full of famous faces and hollow in plot and good content like the last one, but a moneymaker none the less.

The movie which has me most baffled is the new Fantastic Four film which is advertised solely with the image of the Silver Surfer as of this post. The funny thing is that in the teaser for the film, you can’t tell whether this character is a hero or villain. It’s just a minute long chase with heavy CGI and no explanation. Even if I was interesting in seeing this one, I wouldn’t know what the hell to expect from it.

Otherwise, it’s gonna be typical summer fare every week with date movies and kids movies and remakes. In June, Pixar has a new movie coming out (just a year after the highly entertaining Cars) called Ratatouille, which should do some business for Disney as well, so long as people can pronounce the title when they buy their ticket. Sadly, the watered-down, kid-friendly Nancy Drew movie is coming out. Warner Brothers could have made something really cool out of that series but they opted to make it like a Lindsay Lohan jailbait-era movie or an even worse Lizzie McGuire. In July, we can look forward to an unnecessary remake of the musical Hairspray with the interesting lineup of John Travolta, Queen Latifa, Michelle Pfeiffer and Christopher Walken. July will also give us I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, a comedy starring supposed funny men Adam Sandler and Kevin James as straight firefighters who get married to benefit from a pension plan. The movie also features Jessica Biel as a lawyer, which is funnier to me than anything the movie itself could throw my way.

Overall, it should be a fun summer to go to the movies. At least there are some good flicks to go out and see, which cannot be said of most summers. I don’t really care who makes or loses the most money. I just wanna be entertained.

Until next time, I’m Chris Aballo and I’ll see you in line at the concession stand at the movies.

That’s not trademarked, is it?